Lyrics listed in alphabetical order. Use CTRL-F to quickly find what you want!
Apples
Delilah the dancer from Soho Was making her way down the lane
Simpson from Harrow Had fruit on his barrow He sold it for love ....
Back To Blighty
when faced with a hinderance the brave mountainier turns and walks back
into the wind but my hesitation in strange hemisphere makes me quit before ....
Ballad Of The Sulphate Strangler
are we rolling? here we go then and 1,2, 3 2, 2,
3 a boy was born to Jack and Marge In 1951 and what ....
Ban The Bomb
Ban The Bomb Wrap yourself in silver paper put a sandbag on
your head Crawl inside your fall-out shelter underneath your garden shed Boil an ....
Bed O' Roses No. 9
I’ve done a lot of things I wished I hadn’t There’s other
things I never hope to do But sliding off the map in both ....
Billericay Dickie
(spoken) good evening i'm from essex in case you couldn't tell my
given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay and I'm doing very well ....
Blackmail Man
I’m and Irish cripple, a Scottish jew I’m the blackmail man A
raspberry ripple, a buckle-my-shoe I’m the blackmail man I’m a dead fish coon, ....
Blockheads
You must have seen parties of Blockheads With blotched and lagered skin
Blockheads with food particles in their teeth What a horrible state they're in ....
Broken Skin
Share a good occasion Hold the darkness in Bear away abrasion Free
from broken skin No pride is there to steal Wounds that never heal ....
Bus Driver's Prayer
Our Father, Who art in Hendon Harrow Road be Thy name Thy
Kingston come Thy Wimbledon In Erith as it is in Hendon. Give us ....
Cacka Boom
If you're cold, well here's a plan: Pull the plug out of
your fan If you're hot, now here's a scheme: Park your botty in ....
Clever Trevor
just cos I ain’t never ‘ad, no, nothing worth having never ever,
never ever you ain’t got no call not to think I wouldn’t fall ....
Common As Muck
You're not Bridget Bardot, I'm not Jack Palance. I'm not Shirley Temple
by any circumstance, Or Fred Astaire You're not Sidney Taffler, I'm not Dirk ....
Cowboys
They say it’s tough out there and that’s for sure You pay
your way twice over if not more They say that’s the proce of ....
Crippled With Nerves
I could give her the respect she deserves But I can't cos
I'm crippled with nerves Just to take in my arms, hold her tight ....
D'orine The Cow
*Moo!* I'm D'Orine the Cow, Tom the Bull's better half My daughter's
called Daisy, she's a very nice calf When I'm all finished milking and ....
Dance Little Rude Boy
Hey, with your natty threads and your nifty dreads And your Dagenham
royal swagger With your tricky spiels and your Cuban heels And the face ....
Dance Of The Crackpots
Oh, let's get up and let's get excited It's a public party
and you're all invited Let's cut the custard, see the mustard Please hold ....
Dance Of The Screamers
So i’m screaming this to you -waaaaaaagh- From thr last place in
the queue -waaah-, -waaah- I really think you’d liek me given half a ....
Delusions Of Grandeur
Be-ah bickey ba bo-bo-bo I got a gal that I love so
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur I’m a dedicated follower of my own ....
Don't Ask Me
Here I stand With a doughnut for a brain On my life,
I must see you again I should think that's made it very plain ....
England's Glory
(spoken intro.) This one’s for Julie, who we love I love her
almost as I do Alma But we don’t do Alma no more It’s ....
Father
Father's very noisy with his vines Says “there all the same, it
makes you sick” Need a bleeding boot up their behinds That would bloody ....
Fly In The Ointment
Fly in the ointment Stain on the character Dust on the wainscot
Hair on the gate Bee in the bonnet Ash on the waistcoat Flake ....
Fuck Off Noddy
Winnie The Pooh is having a wank “And what are you up
to?” said Tommy the Tank Peter the Rabbit is at it as well ....
Fucking Ada
Moments of sadness, moments of guilt Stains on the memory, stains on
the quilt Chapter of incident, chapter and verse Sub-heading chronic, paragraph worse Lost ....
Geraldine
I'm in love with the person in the sandwich centre If she
didn't exist I'd have to invent her There isn't any secret to my ....
Happy Hippy
I’m hanging up my hang-ups Ere I turn into a blank automoton
You won’t find me on the treadmill You can tell ‘em Willy boy ....
Have A Word
Gotta sign the rent book Gotta do the laundry Then there's the
electric The water and the gas Haven't stopped moaning Since we had the ....
Heavy Living
Heavy living is the life that i’ve lead seeing saylight througha curtain
of red stands to reason why i’m staying in bed heavey living off ....
Hey, Hey, Take Me Away
(spoken) What's all this spunk on the duckboards? Come on Lawrence... come
on Lawrence... Let's go out and have a prayer meeting Take a chance ....
Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick
In the deserts of Sudan And the gardens of Japan From Milan
to Yucatan Every woman, every man Hit me with your rhythm stick. Hit ....
Honeysuckle Highway
Exploring every avenue of love on the honeysuckle highway Eschewing every vestige
of regret we gaily slip along Displaying all the evidence of mirth on ....
Huffety Puff
Huffety Puff didn’t love you enough Was it nice and slow or
a little bit rough? Amazing me when you do your stuff You're so ....
I Believe
I believe in bottle banks And beauty from within I believe in
saying thanks And fresh air on the skin I believe in healthy walks ....
I Could Lie
I could lie before I could talk run away before I could
walk I could cheat before I could play I was gone before I ....
I Made Mary Cry
I made mary cry in a lonley bus shelter I put in
my laundry tongs in the back of her leg severed a hamstring in ....
I Want To Be Straight
(spoken introductions) I'm Charley, you know I'm Norman pleased to meet you
I'm Mickey, hello Wilko I'm Johnny, how are you doing Harry? My name ....
I'm Partial To Your Abracadabra
I'm partial to your abracadabra I'm raptured by the joy of it
all So stop me where you start The cockles of his heart The ....
If I Was With A Woman
If I was with a woman she'd wonder what was happening Little
things would slowly go askew If I was with a woman I'd make ....
It Ain't Cool
You think it’s cool to make me wait with baited breath for
what you say You think it’s cool to be the overlord of all ....
Itinerant Child
I took out all the seats and away I went it’s a
right old banger and the chassis’ bent it’s got a great big peace ....
Jack Shit George
What did you learn at school today? Jack shit The minute the
teacher turns away That's it How many times were you truly intrigued? Not ....
London Talking
I went and changed a pound for the Underground The Bakerloo northbound
cos I fancied coming round The Bakerloo northbound cos you fancied coming round? ....
Lullaby For Francies
Go to sleep now francies You’ve done all you can with the
day Safe and sound now, that’s a promise Your’ll be welcome in the ....
Mash It Up Harry
He’s got his little Y-fronts and his got his little vest He’s
got his little parting in his hair He’s got his little trousers and ....
Mischief
Robbed R. Pearson's paper, Lauren spent his half Ricky loves a kicking
and he wants to join the guards Barry breaks the windows of his ....
My Old Man
my old man wore three peice whistles he was never home for
long drove a bus for London Transport he knew where he belonged number ....
No Such Thing As Love
There's no such thing as heart-ache Tomorrow you'll be gone There's no
such thing as yesterday The memory lingers on There's no such thing as ....
O'donegal
Fresh mist on the morning and tears in my eyes I'm back
for the dawning of Donegal skies My life in the city seems light ....
Oh, Mr. Peanut
OI, rotten hat Where’d you get that hair-cut Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
I bet your mother feeds you with a catapult Oh, Mr. Sound Nasty ....
One Love
One looks for happiness One longs to find a partner One knows
that nowadays One love will be the answer One sees a crazy world ....
Pam's Moods
When me and Pam Are hand in hand We make a lovely
pair But when we fight Her awful spite Is more than I can ....
Pardon
New digs and prospects of a job New digs and prospects Have
I been half interested ‘till now? Breath and armpits stink For Christ’s sake ....
Peter The Painter
Who's got the toughest brush with the sweetest strokes at the Royal
Academy for Jack-the-lademy? Mr. Blake is the actual bloke at the Royal College ....
Plaistow Patricia
arseholes, bastards fucking cunts and pricks aerosole, the bricks a lawless brat
from a council flat oh, oh a little bit of this and a ....
Poo-poo In The Prawn
I took a sudden notion To go down to the ocean I'd
got my sun-tan lotion My flippers and my mask In proper distribution Of ....
Poor Joey
I'm Joey the Budgie, I'm a boy or a girl I'm probably
the most typical caged bird in the world In Cranham or Hounslow I ....
Profoundly In Love With Pandora
My mother's heart and soul Have gone halfway up the pole My
father's on the dole This is taking its toll My friend Bert is ....
Quick Quick Slow
Give me the quick quick slow Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow Give me the quick quick slow Give ....
Quiet
Excuse me, Excuse me Get right out of the way Quiet! (flop-flops)
I'm sorry, Beg your pardon The fault's entirely yours Quiet! (Big Chops) Your ....
Razzle In My Pocket
In my yellow jersey, I went out on the nick. South Street
Romford, shopping arcade Got a Razzle magazine, I never paid Inside my jacket ....
Really Glad You Came
Although you think I'm sleeping as you get set to leave I
can see your shadow packing from underneath my sleeve I swore I'd never ....
Reasons To Be Cheerful
Why don't you get back into bed Why don't you get back
into bed Why don't you get back into bed Why don't you get ....
Rough Kids
Rough kids play rough games and kick tin-cans They walk in certain
style Rough kids shout rude names and write slogans They leave thier feet ....
Sex And Drugs And Rock 'n' Roll
Sex and drugs and rock and roll Is all my brain and
body need Sex and drugs and rock and roll Are very good indeed ....
Sink My Boats
I've got the feeling but I ain't got the skill And I
don't like your suggestion Will you still love me when I'm over the ....
Sueperman's Big Sister
Till I met her, I thought I knew the answers I thought
a bit of treatment was all a body needs I'll take you where ....
Sweet Gene Vincent
blue gene baby skinny white sailor, the chances were slender the beauties
were breif shall I mourn you decline with some thunderbird wine and a ....
Take Your Elbow Out Of The Soup (You're Sitting On The Chicken)
To be simple and wise
Never tell lies
Always pick
on someone my own size
Would be quite a thing
And ....
Thank You Mum
Thank you, mum Your rascal son Has seen the error of his
ways I stole your purse and smashed the crocks You done my trousers ....
That's Enough Of That
Here comes the postman - letters in his sack Dear Auntie Mary,
we'd love to have you back Here come the letters through the letterbox ....
That's Not All
While these minutes of no good Bloody slowly drift away It's you
that comes to help him now That's not all he wants to say ....
The Badger And The Rabbit
The squirrel gather nuts in May And he shuts his nuts away
There's a quick brown fox In the hollyhocks A vixen in the mood ....
The Call Up
Let her go, let her go When the look in her eye
said, Cheerio, cheerio I don't want you no more Mosquito, mosquito Get the ....
The Mumble Rumble And The Cocktail Rock
The Mumble Rumble And The Cocktail Rock Woke up this morning in
a state of shock I heard a mumble rumble and a cocktail rock ....
The Passing Show
When we were simple and naïve We wore our feelings on our
sleeve As we've grown jaded and corrupt Our manner's guarded and abrupt Oh, ....
The Roadette Song
Shaken on her shoulder, shaking on her arse Ain't no doubt about
it she's a gamey lass Jerking with her elbow, clever with her knee ....
There Ain't Half Been Some Clever Bastards
Noel Coward was a charmer. As a writer he was brahma. Velvet,
jackets and pyjamas, had a gay divorce and other dramas. There ain't half ....
This Is What We Find
(spoken) Morning Reg, meat and two veg? He done him with a
ten-pound sledge, he done himself a favour Crash! Forty-year old housewife Mrs Elizabeth ....
Twenty Tiny Fingers Sore Throat Mix
she put on the light in the middle of the night the
wet stuff’s here let’s go I grabbed a sock and called the doc ....
Two Old Dogs Without A Name
Two old dogs without a name Trucking down the road to glory
Seeking not to blaze in fame But to leave a blazing story Being ....
Uncoolohol
fa la la la la The war cry of the raging drunken
sot That sends un-welcome pains right up your bot It bellows forth from ....
Uneasy Sunny Day Hotsy Totsy
Bankrupt the banks Withhold hold the rent Shitters are a wank And
the landlord's bent It's time that the ladies kept quiet No it ain't ....
Upminster Kid
When I was fifteen I had a black crepe jacket and sideboards
to my chin I used to go around in a two-tone Zephyr with ....
Very Personal
You could say I like it here With my mouth right in
your ear What a lovely atmosphere It's very personal You might say it's ....
Waiting For Your Taxi
Waiting for your taxi Which taxi never comes Waiting for your taxi
Waiting for your taxi Which taxi never comes Waiting for your taxi Waiting ....
Wake Up And Make Love With Me
I come awake with the gift for womankind you’re still alseep but
the gift don’t seem to mind rise on this occation halfway up your ....
What A Waste!
I could be the driver an articulated lorry I could be a
poet I wouldn't need to worry I could be a teacher in a ....
You'll See Glimpses
[entirely spoken in lucid reflective manner]: You'll see. They think I'm off
my crust as I creep about the caff. But I'm really getting ready ....
You're More Than Fair
You're more than fair, you've got a gorgeous bum Why don't you
come to my house and meet my mum I like your titties, they're ....
You're My Baby
every day I look at you and every day there’s somethign new
about you wneh I look into your eyes there’s many things I reconise ....
You're My Inspiration
Darling (yes, darling) Nothing, darling Just darling, darling You're my inspiration, so
welcome to my heart Since making your acquaintance I've made a brand new ....
You're The Why
I shuffled through the modes of bad behaviour And hankered for the
desolated dawn I couldn't cope with yet another saviour To steer me from ....
Your Horoscope
As a person you're warm and reliable This will always stand you
in good stead Your star is in the Ascendant at the moment This ....
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